strength through struggle

i’ve been struggling to find the words and colors to paint an accurate picture of this semester. while ive been enjoying classes and academics are going swell, the rest of this semester hasn’t. to put it in pessimistic terms, its felt like everything that could go wrong has. let me share some of my own struggles in the hope that someone out there can take these words and sit comfortably with the fact that they are not alone- here it goes.

ive had periodic depression since senior year of high school. its not something that I talk a lot about since my typical demeanor is cheery and friendly, but ive recently had to approach that conversation with both myself and my friends. inexperienced in the realm of clinical depression, I shied away from addressing it within myself. but this semester was different that past episodic depression that I had felt around high school graduation and my grandmother’s death. this semester I experienced my first panic attack and first missed classes due to the inability to get out of bed. I felt completely alone yet there were so many friends that were there for me. I was so far in the pits and I had no idea why. I always passed off my feelings because I lived a good life and I believed I had no reason to be feeling depressed all the time.

it’s estimated that about 1 in 5 college students show signs of depression. I knew this, yet I didn’t want to consider myself part of this statistic. I didn’t want to let myself struggle because I was known as the girl who had everything together and was always smiling. and I wanted it to stay that way. I needed help and im thankful that I had people around me this semester to help me seek help. and long story short after counseling and starting anti-depressants, im slowly starting to feel like myself for the first time in a while.

as much as I wanted to help myself, it was difficult to come to terms with the fact that something was wrong in the first place. its not always a terrible life event or a bad childhood that causes depression. despite my feelings of utter loneliness and isolation, I’m not alone in my struggles. its okay to admit you are struggling, and its okay to admit you need help. I had to shatter the shell of the person I thought I should be and let myself struggle because that was the only way I was going to get better.

okay next one.

as I was in the midst of trying to address my depression, I was constantly having stomach pains. I woke up with stomach pain and it only got worse throughout the day. I stuck with eating salads at meals because I knew it wouldn’t cause my stomach to hurt but this was causing me to lose weight and not get enough protein. this on top of the depression was slowly crushing me and it felt like nothing was ever going to get any better.

after blood tests, a number of health services visits, and an appointment with the dietician, we think we’ve pinned the pain and have found a way to manage it. im starting a new diet called the “low FODMAP diet” for my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). FODMAP stands for Fermentable Oligosaccharides Disaccharides Monosaccharides And Polyols. Basically, this diet cuts out fructose and most lactose containing foods and drinks, and includes many other foods I have to stay away from.

two days into this diet, I can already say that it’s starting to help. It’s difficult to maintain a stricter diet within the confines of the school dining halls, but im managing. its both a relief and an annoyance to find that I can just alter my food choices to make my stomach feel better. After struggling with this pain most of the semester it seems like such a simple solution to a problem I had anticipated to be a lot bigger. but im grateful and hopeful.

the semester is slowly turning toward an upward trajectory. to put it as straightforward as possible– this semester has sucked. But God’s grace through my mentors and the campus staff that has helped me work through this pain and struggling has helped tremendously. as the year starts to come to a close, i am able to look back at how my struggling has challenged and grown me. i can’t say that im completely on track right now, but im starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.