in search of

sit by me and tell me a story. tell me about your hurt, your soul, your favorite sweater. tell me everything. can I do anything to help you? to make you feel a little less lonely in this world?

sit by me and share your heart.

that need to dig into people’s lives drives my relationships. i want to know the real and the mess that you fight against every day. i want those deep relationships that blossom from trust and empathy and comfort.

but i’m so tired and drained from trying.

someone come sit by me and let me tell you my story. let me tell you about my hurt, how my my soul longs for justice, my favorite grey sweater with the ribbed sleeves. help me feel a little less lonely in this world. the same questions I strive to ask others are the same questions I so desperately want to be asked of me. our society is so set on bridging surface level relationships, scattering a vast field of social connections. and while it feels good to be known, to have those people to say hi to on the way to class, I want to be deeply known. to have someone examine my heart and call me toward a life of wonder.

i feel selfish in the way i want friends. to gather them up and hold them close for my own fulfillment. people to speak to my heart and tell me its going to be okay. i want someone to really listen and to sit through the real and messy.

i feel ungrateful for the way i want friends. its a strange feeling to experience loneliness amongst a social lifestyle. to laugh and talk with countless friends yet feel an emptiness that can only be filled by a deep, mutual human connection.

i feel self-pity. i feel annoying. i feel picky. i feel undeserving. i feel whatever… all whispers from the enemy. i know in my heart i am none of these, yet this little voice in my head continues to push my state of loneliness toward a state of despair. i know that I am not alone and that there are people that care about me. i know that i have a relationship with my God so deep that he sent his son to die on the cross for me. i know that i am loved.

God has a way of bringing about both personal and spiritual growth during periods of isolation and loneliness. a check in of sorts on my motivation, my desires, and the way i spend my time. its a period of patience and listening.

so while my mind gets caught up in the spiral of self-pity, my heart is learning to say thank you for this time.