wrap up

2019 came with some low points in life, so with open hands and a softened heart, these are my words of struggle in the hope that someone else would latch on to these lines and feel comforted. this is not to complain, but to share in light of a gracious God who strengthens us when things get hard. He doesnt promise to take away our pain and troubles, but instead we can rest in the knowledge that he has a plan to give us a hope and a future. 

college in general has been a rollercoaster of joy and answers, and also disappointment and depression. i especially struggled this year with depression and anxiety- seeking out treatment and medication to combat the emotional and physical turmoil inside of me. rock bottom welcomed me with a front mat and open door multiple times, shutting that same door closed and locking me inside for periods of this school year. hope diminished as soon as it sprang up within me and i was left defeated and tired most of the time. 

i finally felt filled again after a summer spent with a rockstar group of counselors and silly forth and fifth graders, but fall came and school brought back those same feelings of despair once again. i feel as though school (each year) has just brought about seasons of confusion and frustration, leaving me eager to get through it as quickly as i can.

God says in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time and a season for everything. He doesn’t say how long these seasons will last or in what order they will hit us, but they will come and they have a place. 

But man, some seasons of life really suck. 

my current season has been one of discontentment and unsettlement, a time of lonliness and of waiting for something new to happen. This season has dragged on and has made my life feel slugglish and unimportant and im so ready for the sun of joy and purpose to come back. I seek and pray for clarity and peace and seem to recieve no answer from God. this semester has been frustrating, leaving me questioning if im in the right place and where God wants me to be. My flighty heart wants to get up and go and im having a difficult time finding something to hold on to in Michigan. my weary eyes are lined with held-in tears half the time and my legs are restless to leave it all behind. 

why is this happening right now, right in the middle of college? why cant God have timed this particular season a little better? (i question as if i had all the control in my life) In a time where im supposed to be going to classes and making friends on campus, i really feel as though i would be better off somewhere else. I assure you i’m alright- just frustrated with my place in life right now. 

maybe college is a means of growing me in ways that i would rather not have chosen myself. or maybe God is training me to channel my restlessness for his glory, both now and in the future. maybe college won’t bring the experiences that i so longed for all of high school. but it has taught me patience. perseverance. how to advocate for myself. and most importantly that God sustains and provides in ways that surpass our human understanding. 

i am still hurting and i still have bad weeks that are hard to get through. and i know that 2020 won’t just magically make it all better. the turning of the calander to a new year doesnt signify physical and emotion change within me. it wont answer all of my questions. but this upcoming year could take a turn and i need to have hope in a greater future. 

it is my resolution to seek peace in the midst of all of this. to look toward growth in the stuggle and the tears. i cant say that this will make life any easier, but it might make it a little more bearable and worthwhile. and as i challenge myself, i pray that you too will find strength to seek peace in the storm of unknowns and frustrations. 

as always, thank you for taking the time to read these words. as much as i hope that someone can resonate with my posts, this is as much for me as well. therapy in a way. so thank you. 

camryn